My Broken Heart...

It's been quite a long time since I've posted here. Too busy to be bothered I guess. Today is different. My heart is broken.

I returned from a fantastic weekend away only to find my beloved cat, Murphy, half-concious, but alive. My inital reaction was that he was choking on a hairball, so I stuck my finger down his throat to dislodge the object - only to suffer a couple of really nasty bites. No luck there.

Chris and I then rushed him to the vet hospital only to lose him on the drive. Riding in the car still haunts me. I can't seem to lose the image of his poor lifeless eyes that no longer recognized me.

I'm trying to get on with my life, doing the everyday tasks that one does, but it's not working. I'm racking my memory, looking for some sign that I missed, something I could have done differently to create a different outcome. Did he come out from under the bed at all on Friday while I was packing? Wasn't there lots of extra food already in the dish when I added more? Should I have asked my parents to check on them while we were gone?

The rational side of my brain knows that no matter what I may have done differently, chances are the outcome would have been the same. Unfortunately, the emotional side of my mind isn't paying any attention to that logic.

I expect that it will take me several weeks before I feel a little more normal again. Before I stop picking up little tufts of fur to keep on my nightstand. Several more weeks before I stop thinking I can feel his tail brush up against my legs. Several more weeks before I can look at his objects and places around the house without feeling really, really sad.

The worst thought occurred to me just this morning. Despite our more than 11 years together, I don't even have one single picture of the two of us together. I don't even have a digital picture that I can add to this post.

I feel most sad for my other two cats that loved Murphy so much. Thankfully, poor Kanga has stopped wandering through the house looking for him - although he's still very lonely. He overcomes his fear and even ventures out into the living room when we're home, just to be near us.

Oh my poor Murphy-Smurf, we all miss you so much.